The Swiss Cheese Conspiracy

Surely you’ve noticed how Swiss cheese is full of all those little holes. But have you ever really thought about it? Have you ever wondered what happened to the cheese that was in those holes?

Probably, like most “normal” people, you haven’t wondered about this. Probably, you’ve just gone on buying and eating Swiss cheese without a care in the world, never thinking about the massive conspiracy behind that innocent little block of dairy goodness.

Picture this. You’re just some happy-go-lucky schmuck going to the store to buy some cheese. There’s two blocks of cheese on the shelf. One is good, old-fashioned, patriotic American cheese and the other is Swiss cheese. They’re both the same size. They cost about the same. In a moment of unpatriotic whimsy you decide to buy the Swiss. Why not try something new?

Because you are being robbed blind. And you are aiding an international conspiracy.

That block of Swiss cheese is riddled with holes. By our scientific estimates (which included looking at a block of Swiss cheese for a while and arguing about it) about 25% of that cheese you just bought is nothing but air.

You, sir, (or madam; we’re not sexists here) have just been cheated. You thought you were buying a block of a cheese of certain dimensions but actually you only got 75% of that amount. The rest goes right into the pockets of one of the biggest conspiracies in the history of the world:

The Swiss Cheese Conspiracy (SCC).

Here’s what happens. Through nefarious means known only to them, but that probably include lots of people with tiny little hands and miniature ice cream scoops in a sweatshop, the Conspiracy scoops out 25% of all newly-made Swiss cheese. They sell what’s left to the unwitting public at, of course, a huge profit (since they only have to supply 75% of the product at 100% of the price).

What they do with the tiny balls of Swiss cheese is unknown to us at this time, though we can, and will, speculate wildly. One theory, the boring one, is that they take all those tiny balls of cheese and smash them into new blocks of cheese which they again scoop out and sell, over and over until there is nothing left.

One theory is that the tiny balls of cheese are sold to the Chinese as aphrodisiacs for panda bears, but we have not been able to substantiate that.

Maybe the Swiss just sit around tossing the little balls of cheese into each other’s mouths and laughing at what stooges we are.

No one knows for sure.

Now you are asking yourself, “Who is behind this dastardly conspiracy and should we be frightened?” (Or perhaps you’re just asking yourself why you’re still reading this silly column.)

The answers to those questions are: the Swiss and yes. Very, very afraid.

Let us clarify. It started as just a Swiss conspiracy, but it has naturally grown beyond their tiny borders. They have established footholds in every major country in the world, co-opting ordinary citizens, purchasing politicians, and in some places, even taking over large tracts of land.

Oh no, you say. You’re all crazy, you say. That can’t be. Show me some proof.

  1. How about this? How about the state of Wisconsin? That’s where most of the Swiss cheese in the US is made and it is totally controlled by the SCC. Just look at the name of the state for cheddar’s sake! Wisconsin. That is only one letter off from Swissconsin. Can you really claim that is just a coincidence? The clues are there, right before your eyes, but you just refuse to see.

If you still need further proof that Wisconsin is controlled by the SCC, then how else do you explain those funny (though admittedly adorably cute) accents they have? Listen to the Swiss talk sometime. Then mix that with English. What you get is what Wisconsonians speak. Case closed.

Finally, I ask you one simple question: Have you ever bought grated Swiss cheese? No. You haven’t. Because it doesn’t exist. Because if it was grated, people would suddenly wake up to the truth of what is happening. They would see how little cheese they were actually getting.

If anyone was to ever attempt to package and sell grated Swiss cheese they would immediately come to the attention of the SCC and be shut down. We’re not saying the shutdown would be violent, but we are saying it would probably involve taking a nice, long nap in a vat of liquid Swiss cheese. Shoot, you can’t even post a recipe online using grated Swiss cheese. The web crawlers the SCC uses are super powerful, like way powerful, and they would find your recipe in minutes. Then the SCC secret yellow-ops team would come rappelling down your chimney and it would get ugly.

How dangerous and powerful is the SCC? Well, we did some exhaustive research to discover how much Swiss cheese is made worldwide (we Googled it) and you know what we found? Nothing. We don’t know how much Swiss cheese is made every year. Which is proof that they are hiding it from us. After all, if they had nothing to hide, then Google would know and tell us when we asked. So we went to our auxiliary sources (we argued about it and made up numbers) and we came up with the following total: Eleventy-billion pounds.

What? That’s crazy, you say. But it’s not. It’s true. Because we said so.

If you take our number, and you multiply it by how much the cheese sells for and factor in the fact that they only sell 75% of the actual product and do God-knows-what with the rest, you’ll see that the SCC makes about 102 bazillion dollars a year. That’s bazillion with a “B”!

Now you’re getting some idea how powerful the SCC really is. And how dangerous this information is.

What happens from here is up to you. It’s up to all of us. Do we allow this madness to continue, or do we stand up and say Enough!

The future of your children may depend on your answer.

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2 thoughts on “The Swiss Cheese Conspiracy

  1. Joe Ellsworth

    I am actually surprised that the Swissconsin Cheese Mafia (call it the SCM for short) has even allowed this ranting to exist. Usually the SCM would come to your door and simply hand out a pile of money (in Swiss Francs) and demand you remove the offense material, and maintain that this ‘never happened’. Since you obviously have not come into a pile of money, and the blog still exists, we can only conclude you were not home when they tried the ‘polite route’. We fully expect you to be minus a digit when next we see you, or at the very least, driving down random streets looking furtively into your rearview mirror.

    Like

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